Tuesday, May 4, 2010

10 Things that would make Star Wars Even Better!

Star Wars was an amazing piece of pop culture in so many peoples lives. I'd just say childhoods but for a lot of us, it extends past that, we wanted to be a Jedi, or space smugglers cruising the galaxy with our 7ft tall dog. Today is National Star Wars Day, May 4th, and while the films and legacy are fantastic I was thinking of at least 10 different things that could have made the movies a little bit better, its hard to improve on something so good, but these 10 things couldn't hurt and in some cases could improve so much.

1. Female Stormtroopers.
I know its a long long time ago, but really shouldn't they been a more evolved and acceptable army to allow women into the empire. There's not a one, any where, no wonder they were so cranky and were blowing up planets left and right with their giant ship shaped like a ball.

2. Allow Carrie Fischer to be good looking in all of the films.

Okay, it might have been difficult to make her look good on Hoth with it being so cold, but she wasn't there longer than a half an hour. Han didn't wear his parka the whole movie, why did she have to leave on her snow suit, do you think she had bread bags in her boots, I bet she did, it was cold on Hoth.

3. Angry Chewie
Why couldn't Chewbacca be this bad ass 7ft tall big foot monster that only listened to Han out of a sense of duty. Instead he's this cudly guy who bangs the Falcon with a wrench and you have to worry about playing chess against him. I would have made it that you had to be worried to be within 2ft of him, afraid he might tear off your arm or rip off your face. Or at least have an accident on the carpet in defiance.

4. Decide: Is Han an Ass or is he a cool guy 

Did he shoot first? Is he flipping Greedo off here? Was he always going to stay and help or was he happy to get out and only ended up with Leia because at that point he had no where else to go? Who knows, its unanswered, but lets just make a decision, I'd say he's just a jerk, a lovable jerk, but a jerk, he's basically a space pirate, he's a smuggler, he's a nerfherder. He was Sawyer before Sawyer was Sawyer on Lost. The bad guy that the girl falls for and everyone likes even though he's a bit of a jerk.


Please, I don't care what we say, she's the daughter of another Jedi. She was Ben's daughter. Hell, why does she even have to be another Jedi or related to him, it never served any purpose in the story other than her finding him in cloud city, and we could have found a hundred ways around that, like: 
"Sensors are picking up Luke dangling from a tv antenna!"
The love triangle would have been better, it wouldn't have mattered that they kissed, it would have made the dynamic between the three better and less wishy washy. Hell, have them fight over her, Han vs. Luke, who wouldn't want to see that!

6. No Ewoks, just Wookies

Why did we have to wait all the way to the end of all the movies to get 5 minutes of massive Wookies. Wouldn't it have made more sense if Wookies took out the empire and not the rebel Care Bear alliance! That stupid song, Lumdy Lumdy Lie, Yub Yub. Wicket, the dumb Christmas special! They could have made cute toys to sleep with of little baby wookies for kids and bad ass big foot wookies for older boys. George what were you thinking, you let Jim Henson talk you into that one I think. The two of them sitting around getting high:
"So like an entire planet of teddy bears"
"Awwwwww thats awesome"


Another dumb character that served no purpose and really comes across as bad racial profiling. And then wait, not only is he an idiot who bumbles through battles like a bad Scooby Doo episode, but in the end they make him a consultant?! His own people kicked them out of their city because he was an idiot! And he's creepy, he hung out with little boys way to much. Ugh that voice, just gives me shivers.

8. Anakin is never whiny baby Anakin, he's the bad ass we see on the Clone Wars Cartoon
I was watching Clone Wars with my 10 year old and Anakin Skywalker drove his lightsaber through a guy's chest from behind! Listen to what I'm saying, he turned it on and it went right through the guy! My son didn't bat an eyelash! He says "Oh yeah, he kills bad guys."
Not our movie Anakin, oh yeah sure we 'heard' he killed some Tuscan Raiders, but did we see it? No. Instead we see him saying: "Obi Wan never lets me do anything!" and in front of his girl?! What a whiny bitch, he deserved to get all cut up by Obi Wan. Is that what turned him into killer Darth Vader? Then that should have taken place in the second film or earlier in the third.

Speaking of whiny Anakin:


"NOW THIS IS POD RACING" Aside from Jar Jar, this was one of the worst lines of any movie any time any where, ever. This kid was so bad, that when they interview the actor today, HE HATES IT. Little Annie, and Queen Amidala who is already like 20 in this one and he's 5, so like 15 years later he's 20 and she's still 20? and he's all like, hey I remember you, you still look fine!

10. Can the villains hang out a little longer!

Sure we had Boba Fett and whatever his Dad's name was, Tango, Jango, Jamba, whatever I don't remember. But we lost the General, Darth Maul and Boskk way too soon. Heck Bosskk didn't even get any action and he looked like he could kick some rebel ass. And poor Ray Park, at least he got to be Snake Eyes, but really, cut in half by like a Freshmen, didn't these guys like survive a really long time before they met our main characters? 

Happy National Star Wars Day, and May the 4th be with You.... always.